When Gender Euphoria Causes Gender Anxiety
If you’ve gotten the chance to know me, you know that I believe storytelling is one of the greatest ways that we can build understanding and empathy for the communities we seek to support. In the spirit of this, I want to share a story from my weekend.
When I went to lunch this weekend to celebrate my sister’s birthday, I had a big question…
What do I wear??
I know this seems like a standard question to ask. For a celebration, anyone would want to look nice and wear something that is both comfortable and appropriate for the occasion.
My concern, however, was…
How are people going to see me? Which gender will I be viewed as in this outfit? Will people stare? Will someone call me a slur? Will I be safe?
Last month, I bought a new shirt that I’ve been dying to wear out. It’s a black mesh button-down with a woven floral pattern. To me, it screams Malibu Ken goes to a posh brunch. And with my sister’s birthday celebration, I finally had an opportunity to wear it.
When I put it on, I felt the perfect mix of casual, sophisticated, and authentically queer. I paired it with some structured green shorts, black woven sneakers, and my grandmother’s pearls.
I absolutely loved my outfit and felt a true sense of gender euphoria. However, wearing an outfit like this brings on some gender anxiety for me. When I wear an outfit like this, one that is pretty clearly queer-coded, I get different types of reactions from people and am often perceived as a variety of genders.
Some people see me as a gay man. Some see me as a butch woman. Others seem to have a puzzled look on their face as they try to figure out where to place me.
The truth is, that all of us perceive gender differently based on our own gender lens — the lens that we have taken on because of how we learned about gender through our families, cultures, and society as we grew up. For most of us, our lens automatically assumes others to be men or women — leaving little to no room for anyone outside of those genders.
This is something that I discuss during my TGX+ inclusion trainings. I believe the more aware we become of our gender lenses, the more capable we become of challenging them in order to make room for folks who might not neatly fit into the categories of our learned gender roles.
As I celebrated my sister at lunch, I did catch a few stares coming my way from other restaurant patrons. I was surprised to be referred to as “ma’am” by the waiter (especially considering that my top was transparent enough to show my chest). However, I was truly relieved when the bathroom in the restaurant was a single-stalled all-gender bathroom (which saved me from the anxiety of having to choose which gender I “was” that day).
While I was able to experience deep gender euphoria with the outfit I had chosen, it still came with undeniable gender anxiety.
For me as a nonbinary person, when I get dressed, I am not just asking myself “What do I wear?”…
Rather, I am asking: “If I choose to live in alignment with myself today, what experiences of alienation or invalidation will I have to endure?”
Thankfully, I have a supportive family who embraces all parts of me and takes joy in my gender euphoria. So while there are often experiences that feel alienating, othering, and invalidating of me and my gender, I am grateful to have people in my life who care to see me and support me through all of it.
Here we are after my sister’s birthday lunch, with big smiles and full bellies! (You can even check out my Kenfit with pearls and all).
Rex appears to the right of their 5 family members, smiling and standing close together in front of a restaurant. Rex is wearing a black mesh shirt with a white pearl necklace.
What are some of the ways you’re supporting the TGX+ folks in your life in order to make room for their experiences of gender euphoria? Hit reply and let me know!
If you’d like to learn more about how to create environments of gender euphoria for the TGX+ folks in your workplace, join our monthly virtual TGX+ Inclusion Roundtable for HR, DEI, and ERG leaders. Register here!
