Shame vs. Curiosity
This morning, I was talking with a colleague about the most effective ways to engage others in DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) conversations.
One of the things we both remarked on was how we’ve seen folks in the DEI space use shame as a tool for attempting behavioral change, saying things like, “Just do better” or “You should already know this.”
Now, if you’re in an environment where you’re learning something new (for example: learning how to use they/them pronouns in the singular or unlearning your “gender lens” so that you don’t misgender others), this type of messaging is far from helpful.
In fact, messaging like this causes people to shut down, disengage, and at worst, retaliate against the new information making it far more difficult for them to be open to the subject matter when discussed in future conversations.
However, when we create an environment (whether that’s in training or one-on-one) where folks are approached in their current level of understanding, we allow them the opportunity to open up to new learning in a more sustained way.
But what about when we experience resistance or difficult questions?
The truth is, regardless of the environment and space you create, you may still encounter folks who are resistant to new perspectives. With so much misinformation about TGX+ communities circulating in the public sphere, this is bound to come up.
One of my favorite strategies when encountering resistance is to meet folks with curiosity; to soften my own perspective and ask questions in order to understand where their resistance might be coming from.
When we meet that resistance with curiosity (rather than shame), we invite the opportunity to further connect, which can create new pathways for learning in the long term.
So how do we do this? How do we cultivate curiosity in such challenging moments and conversations?
Join us for our monthly virtual TGX+ Inclusion Roundtable where we’ll be exploring just that. Bring in your questions, quandaries, and real-world scenarios as we explore how to navigate these tough conversations and cultivate more curiosity together.
